Chump of the Month, Renée Zellweger

Goodbye girls and blogs, how the hell aren't you? Sorry to cyber-bully you right off the bat, but who's the "secret blogger" now? YOU ARE, dingo. YOU ARE THE SECRET BLOGGER NOW! Anyway, we gather here today to talk about white people. Whoops, I just threw up. Hang on. SEGUE! Boy oh boy how about that Zico™?! You know what the "thing" about coconut "water" is? The "thing is," drinking it is a lot like getting laid. Raw. And if you know a thing or two about Gspots (anyone???) not only will shorty flip her cap in the tub, but--circle of life--she'll give birth in there too. In your tub full of Zico™, obvi. "BabiesRus," no wait, whoa, weird, I meant to say that babies can swim. Babies can swim.

We gather here today to talk about Renée Zellweger. Z is for Chump. Come on guys, let's be honest. Remember the face-slasher on the 4 train last summer? No? Well basically this crazy WOMAN was slashing peoples faces all summer long on the 4 train up in Da Bronx. Okay, so cut to, say, 1999, The Red Carpet... there's the starlet looking either anorexic or fat (we can't remember.) She's about to win a MacArthur Fellowship for her work in Chicago or no for her work in Bridget Jones. Just as she shifts her pose for one last photo-op, I sneak up behind her like this and... WHOSE THE SECRET FACE-SLASHER NOW?

Are you really still wondering why we hate Renée? We don't! We hate the system, man. And now you know what our little sign back in the good old days down at Occupy Coney Island (OCI) said... it said, Ice Cold Water! Ice Cold Beer! Ice Cold Water! Ice Cold Beer! Actually we didn't have signs back then, we used our voices-- "Ice Cold Water! Ice Cold Beer!" Hey, it wasn't much but we got by... supped on borscht... splashed the old foot in the waves... fresh crab... fish tacos...blew out my flipflop... Now I have this artsy scrapbook, it's for sale online check my blog AH HOLE AH HOLE for more details... it probably wouldn't kill you to support us, you know.

Do we have to spell it out? So Renée wins the prize-- he's the Chump of the Month, the jerk we look at and see symbolized so much of what is wrong with this world-- what is boring...deadening..stagnant...formulaic...narcissistic...hypnotically dull. "He," "she," "It," whatever! The bottom line is that the eating disorder + the contrived pout do not just = Mr. Renée Zellweger, but illustrates that whole humongous pile of bafangul we can never avoid completely or step entirely out of. Well, it's tax season! Fly me to the moon! Hats off! Viva Renée!

Chump of the Month

Hey Chump, you know who you are. Yes you. You think 2012 is all about you? Think you can march right into our life and take over, take advantage, take souls. Power trips, moneybags, this, that, and the other! Geeez, get a grip on reality, buster! Bloggers have feelings, too. Dah big apple has e-nuff of your kind parading down Broadway. You think you're an alternative mogul? Glitter, jazz, snazz, Duchamp, uptown, downtown, Little Italy - There's no such thing as "Indie Wall Street", FOOL. You think you can lure AH HOLE in like some tripped-out little broad at a Halloween party? You think luck be a lady? You think you're Bohemian? Think you're an honorary AH HOLE? Think Again. Listen up, Chump, schemes are to AH HOLE what jive is to hands. Drop your ego at the door.FACE IT.

"Chump" of the "Month"

BUONGIORNO fatsos! You like chumps? FUCK YOU. Do you even know what that
means? Here's a scenario: your roommate makes sauteed kale for dinner AGAIN. Ok, so guess what you cook the very next day? SAUTEED KALE. It's like a Soviet plot, it's like you can't win. But good news! Now you can! There's a secret sack of (multigrain) bread in the back of the fridge, I swear, open it up and see. Ha! Now we're talking. Bet you ten thousand dollars you're not too proud to knock on the old nay nay's door and bat your eyes for an egg and a few pats of butter-- gotta use that babyface for something... And assuming he's no Ebenezer, well, he'll say Why of course, my child! Here, take the dozen-- I'm actually a very rich man, ho ho ho, just living in this Bushwick slum for kicks! And he'll invite you in for frozen margaritas and then you'll really be bonding. If the thought of that stresses you out, chill, here's a list of some potential conversation starters:

1. Wifi "providers": Optimum vs Timewarner-- or are they the same?
2. Favorite Blogs
3. AH HOLE AH HOLE
   
4. Do you smoke reefer? Discuss.
   
5. Nice CDs!

Great so dinner's on the table, now what? Still want a chump, chump? Still need mommy blogger to give you a dose of blah blah blah bah humbug with some silly images? Yes we're provoking you. The Beatles suck and we hate punks. Fuck the Internet. Hang on, this is f$*@ed, let us rephrase: We love you, all of you, fans... friends (with benefits;)...fellow bloggers (PSYCH!) and we want to give you what you want want want. Oh god, now we're all emo! Don't you dare say '90s'. You can't win! It is a plot! (Is it a riddle?) Listen to Chris Brown, he's good, forgive him. It's the holidays. It's been scientifically proven that kids are more interesting than adults. Burn all tote bags and while you're at it buy some whitestrips you damn cheapskates.

Chump Of The Month, Michael Franti

Who is October's Chump you ask? Two words: Michael. Franti. Once renowned for his cultural skin and peace-provoking lyrics, Franti is losing his devotees like bombs over Baghdad. "Sell out," fans hiss, "Hypocrite."

He may think he's a real do-gooder traveling the world from Frisco Bay to the Middle East, showering "the people" with his so-called "good vibes." But check your ego at the airport, Franti. You ain't no Tracy Chapman. You ain't no Bob Marley. And you sure as shit ain't no Rod Deal.

Go back to Cali, Dude. Slap some wax on your dreads, cruise Valencia in your Escalade. Pay no mind that your concert posters, once worshipped by squealing Humboldt Hunnies, are being torn down with scorn. Face it - you'll never actually be famous or change the world. Your days as festival guru are done. No one on the East Coast has ever heard of you. Welcome to the twenty-tweens, Cheeseball. You're a has-been - AH HOLE doesn't like you and never did.

Happy Birthday, Macaulay Culkin, we miss you.

Macaulay, it's not that you're a chump. It's just that we want to hang out.

Macaulay Culkin

Macaulay Culkin-- delicate flower, genius, muse.

May we smear sunscreen on your fair epidermis, Macaulay?

Won't you trot like a colt from whatever cave you hide in to play with the children, Macaulay?

Tut tut, Macaulay, don't pretend you've already peaked-

We know better! We know better than that, you dear little Culkin!

MaCulkin! Maculkin! Please be majestic, please reach full potential

You little MicJagga, you mini Mic Jackson, Mic Mouse

You're an icon MaCulkin, now act like it!

Chump of the Month

Dearest Macaulay,

How are you? In case you're not hip to us, we're AH HOLE AH HOLE, the (online) "People Magazine" of the "art" "world." AH HOLE AH HOLE (which you would LOVE, b.t. dubs) is deeming you August's Chump Of The Month. Yes, you. You must understand, this is not happening because we hate you, this is happening because we love you. A lot. And we are concerned about you, you know, as a friend. Honestly, we feel you have what it takes to be the biggest Hunk of the 21st Century but you're just not living up to your full potential-- and nothing says "Chump" like wasted genius. It really gets us down. Like, c'mon, Macaulay, you're an icon - LIVE IT UP, keep the momentum! Mack dat sh$$$t. The thing is, you are as relevant today in 2011 as you were way back when, in fact you are more relevant now than ever. Who cares about your past anyway. BE HERE NOW. We know you're probably sick of people banking on your fu*%#ked-up and "unique" life, making you out to be someone you're not...but that's the thing - AH HOLE knows you're one of us, we recognize you, and it's deep. We can understand why you would want to hide away, get out of the lime-light, but hey, who says you have to be a movie star? Move on, you're an artist. Seriously. LOOK IN THE MIRROR. HELLLOOO. It's really bunk your parents and lawyers screwed you over and took your money, but why desperately try to make some moola with movies like """Sex and Breakfast,""" when you could have a solo at ART BLOG ART BLOG and make millions and billions? We feel it's time you get out your endless (and priceless) teenage angst in a positive way. Don't be a Chump, Macaulay! Maybe, if you read this letter and shape up a bit, we'll make you Hunk next time. Deal?

Okay, gotta run, hope you're well. Take care!

All of our LOVE,

AH HOLE AH HOLE

ps: miss you! lets shoot up sometime! ;) haha j/k j/k ;)

Opening Tonight @ ASS

Ummm, CRASH MUCH?

Chump of the Month

NOTICE

To all our devoted viewers out there surfing the World-Wide-Web ("www"), AH HOLE AH HOLE would like to take this opportunity to address July's LoC ("Lack of Chump").

A Chump-free month on AH HOLE may be as inconcievable as a bedbug-free mattress in Brooklyn, but that's exactly why you better cherish it while it lasts. Rest assured, we had some candidates in mind... Rupert Murdoch perhaps? (getting hacked is one of AH HOLE's biggest fears...) National news heavy-hitter Casey Anthony? (cue the O.J. Simpson flashbacks!), Local Chump Levi Aron? (the RANDO murderer of the Hasidic boy in Brooklyn.) Alas, they all seemed too easy, generic, predictable.

Well, we thought, who needs a Chump anyway? Especially this July, when so many positive things are happening all over the world. Like, CAN I GET A WITNESS? for example. Matt? Josh? YoYo? You would be retarded not see this show... Actually, if you miss this show, you will be the Chump of next month-- we mean it!-- and anyone with half a brain and a laptop knows nothing could be more humiliating than that.

If you are not aware, there's only one week left! Jaunting up to gay ol' West 26th Street should be at the tippy-top of your "to-do" list. We want to see YOUR signature in the Art Blog sign-in book - now! You'll be sweating Mystic Truths all summer long, pissing in Pismo, drooling the 1970's out your Ah Hole, ... Okay, okay, so we're making up for the LoC by promoting the best art show this side of Babylon ...big deal! We'll shut up about it soon, don' worry. Believe you us, all we want is to share the Jah.

THE THING QUARTERLY

"This past Saturday, James [Franco] came to work with us at THE THING’s office here in SF on issue 14. Like two of our past issues where the contributors were physically involved in design and production (issues 5 and 12), James wanted a hand in each issue, literally. And so for an intense 5 hours, with a small crew of 10 people, James hand-wrote with lipstick on each issue (which is all the info we can give you for now). We are very proud and excited about this issue and looking forward to getting it out to you..."

Chumps of the Month

Order in the blog! Order in the blog! That's right, Chumps, plural. The month of May is working Double Duty. You got off scott-free this time, Franklin Mata and Kenneth Morena, and that's why AH HOLE has to work overtime. Hopefully you learned your lesson. Morena seems to think some sort of lesson was in the works, but who knows what lesson that was:

"'I’m glad it’s over,' he said. 'It’s a lesson and a win.' When a reporter asked Officer Moreno what he meant by lesson, his lawyer, Joseph Tacopina, interjected, saying, 'Well, we’ll just leave it at that.'"

Perhaps he learned that lip-singing Bon Jovi's 'Livin' on a Prayer' is not the best way to win a lady over, or that 'snuggling' with a drunk woman who is only wearing a bra and having your fellow coworker 'watch' while on duty, is not the brightest decision. At least you got mommy on your side, Morena:

"After the verdict was delivered, Officer Moreno’s mother, Aida Moreno-Ruiz, called a relative from her cellphone. 'Hey, Freddy,' she said. 'It’s over. It’s over. Not guilty.'"

But New York City ain't gonna forget you two AH HOLES. If your goal was to perpetuate the stereotype and nickname 'pigs,' you sure got an A+, 100%. N.W.A. got it right in 1988: FUCK, FUCK, FUCK THE POLICE. Link

Chumps AH HOY! Celebrating 4 HOLE months of total Chump$!

FEBRUARY !@#$%@! MARCH *!@#$%!@#! APRIL !@.##$$%!@# MAY @#$$$$!

CHUMP OF THE MONTH

Is it a coincidence that "Chump" and "Trump" rhyme? No. Of course it's not, dear readers, of course it's not. And since we're being honest here, let's also be clear... We, unlike Donald, harbor no illusions of grandeur; we know you don't need little old AH HOLE to cast it's dim spotlight and rail its paltry jabs at this mogul of moguls to get that Trump's a chump. To put this in perspective: consider the booming industry based in jokes about the infamous head-piece alone. Yep, you see, the tragedy of the matter is that giving you-know-who any attention at all only perpetuates his inane celebrity. Such is the absurdity of the marketplace, of the world today, such is the essence of the True Chump.

But to temper our pangs of despair, let us consider what our chump might be doing right now, at this very moment. It is morning, the start of a new day--Maybe he's stepping into one of his tubs, the daily ablutions. Perhaps (well does it hurt to dream?) the slightest residue of massage oil (the rich man's banana peel) has been left unscrubbed by the lackadaisical Jamaican maid and as his scaly foot happens to make contact... WHAM!

And now, New Yorkers throng in a stunned Mass for their red-headed emperor. The Trump Towers around the city open their bars to the public in honor of a life well spent. Money, real money, is tossed in the streets like so much confetti.

"Grumpet" "Chumpet"

Chump of the Month

All right already! You WIN, Colonel Gaddafi! You made the cut, BIG TYME!! You are, without a doubt, the biggest CHUMP OF THE MONTH to date. Or are you last month's chump? No, that was Franco. What month is it again? Oh yeah, it's April. "April Frogs!"

So we aren't specialists on astrology or anything but Mercury is retrograde, coincidence? "We Report, You Decide." At any rate, comon', like, chill. Control freak, much? Give it up, think twitter and snap out of it already. Do you really want to "die a martyr?" Chump of the month?More like GRUMP of the Month. Btw, "SAY CHEESE," ever heard of smiling? We're blogging you.

Timothy Greenfield-Sanders & The Chump Of The Month

"Assholes," Kalup Linzy, 2006

James Franco & Jesus Christ