BUONGIORNO fatsos! You like chumps? FUCK YOU. Do you even know what that
means? Here's a scenario: your roommate makes sauteed kale for dinner AGAIN. Ok, so guess what you cook the very next day? SAUTEED KALE. It's like a Soviet plot, it's like you can't win. But good news! Now you can! There's a secret sack of (multigrain) bread in the back of the fridge, I swear, open it up and see. Ha! Now we're talking. Bet you ten thousand dollars you're not too proud to knock on the old nay nay's door and bat your eyes for an egg and a few pats of butter-- gotta use that babyface for something... And assuming he's no Ebenezer, well, he'll say Why of course, my child! Here, take the dozen-- I'm actually a very rich man, ho ho ho, just living in this Bushwick slum for kicks! And he'll invite you in for frozen margaritas and then you'll really be bonding. If the thought of that stresses you out, chill, here's a list of some potential conversation starters:
- Wifi "providers": Optimum vs Timewarner-- or are they the same?
- Favorite Blogs
- AH HOLE AH HOLE
- Do you smoke reefer? Discuss.
- Nice CDs!
Great so dinner's on the table, now what? Still want a chump, chump? Still need mommy blogger to give you a dose of blah blah blah bah humbug with some silly images? Yes we're provoking you. The Beatles suck and we hate punks. Fuck the Internet. Hang on, this is f$*@ed, let us rephrase: We love you, all of you, fans... friends (with benefits;)...fellow bloggers (PSYCH!) and we want to give you what you want want want. Oh god, now we're all emo! Don't you dare say '90s'. You can't win! It is a plot! (Is it a riddle?) Listen to Chris Brown, he's good, forgive him. It's the holidays. It's been scientifically proven that kids are more interesting than adults. Burn all tote bags and while you're at it buy some whitestrips you damn cheapskates.
